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Writing to heal. by Erin.

August 9, 2013

This is a very personal and emotional story from a mama in our community. She kindly offered to share it here so that others who are presently going through the trials of miscarriage might find solace and support. Thank you, Erin. We’re wrapping you in all the love we can muster.

I did some writing last night, it was so good for my soul, I thought I would share it with you all, my great supporters …

I have been pregnant 7 times. I’m blessed, I have two amazing little boys, a wonderful stepson and an amazing husband, but I also know the pain of loss, I know it really well.

I lost my first baby in 2007. I came down with the chicken pox and found out the next day that I was expecting. I lost the baby within a week, (chicken pox and a miscarriage all at once, awful), we named him/her Alex.

I didn’t get pregnant again for over a year but when I did, we were overjoyed. I made it to 9 weeks and then, I started bleeding. I went to the ER and found out that baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, baby Jordan.

Several months later I found out I was expecting again. I was so scared, but tried to stay positive. At 10 weeks, I started bleeding again. We lost baby number 3 who also stopped developing at 6 weeks, baby Sam.

The next year, in 2009, I found out that I was again pregnant, talk about horrified. This time

erin

I started taking progesterone supplements the day that I found out I was expecting. Nine amazing months later, we welcomed Isaac Joaquin into our lives. We couldn’t be happier.

Then 13 months later, in 2010, we were surprised to find out that we were pregnant yet again! Sweet Benjamin Braddock was born in July of the next year. We were blessed.

Fast forward to March of this year, we were completely surprised to have another little one on the way. Unfortunately, at 10 weeks we found out that baby had again stopped developing at 6 weeks, baby Blake. We were crushed, but having the boys to come home to was medicine to my soul.

Then, we fell pregnant again just 2 months after losing Blake. Again, absolutely terrified, we embarked on another rollercoaster ride. I’m so sad to say that the ride ended yesterday. I went in for just a quick 10 week heartbeat check for my own piece of mind. When the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat, I knew it was over. I waited and went in for another ultrasound 30 minutes later and was given the worst news that we indeed had lost baby number 7, who stopped developing at 9.5 weeks, baby Jesse.

Again, I’m blessed beyond measure, I love my boys with every fiber of my being and I look forward to the awesome reception I will receive when I make it to heaven myself.

Losing a baby changes you. It doesn’t matter if you have lost one or lost five, you are never the same again. Writing brings me healing; it helps me to say the things that are too hard to say out loud.

Let me just say, I can’t wait to meet my babies but for now, I will just enjoy every second of watching my boys grow and giggle and smile and learn and play.

angels
“I feel like the sun shining down on me reminds me of my little angels. Makes me smile.”

20 thoughts on “Writing to heal. by Erin.”

  1. I’m so sorry. We lost our first. Our second was born in April. Our girl is now four months old and doing great. But I still think about that first one from time to time, wondering about his or her potential. Boy or girl? Scientist or astronaut? She or he was loved. They won’t be forgotten, the rest of my life. That matters.

    1. Thank you Steph.

      I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss but I’m overjoyed to also hear that you have a sweet little girl, congratulations! I don’t think our babies every leave us, it gets easier with time, but it never really goes away. Love to you.

  2. My heart aches for you and your family. I too experienced multiple miscarriages and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. Writing and talkimg to those who have been thru this before does help. I am currently pregnant awaiting our first appt and im so terrified but at the samtiime trying so hard to stay positive. After years of trying and miscarring we did finally welcome our son Tristan into the world almost 2yrs now. But the past always stays with you and I pray the lord blesses us with another ray of sunshine. Thank you again your words have helped me stay strong.

    1. Venessia, Thank you so much for your support. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I will keep you in my prayers that this little one sticks and you go on to have a happy, healthy, wonderful pregnancy with a beautiful little bub to snuggle at the end of it. Hugs.

  3. I know exactly what you went through. I have had 6 miscarriages in my life. the first i was only 16. alone and scared. the second time id found out i was pregnant and excited. i had told the bf at the time who wasnt as overjoyed as i was. he showed his feelings by showing me the door by way of the 15 stairs that led the way out. then i had 2 false pregnancies.. where all the symptoms are there adn everything is there but an actual baby with a heartbeat. a yr later i found out i was expecting again and at 10 weeks i got into a car accident.tboned by a drunk driver, and lastly i was with my best friends brother and we found out we were expecting he was all happy.. or showed he was, while he was still seeing his ex on the side.. incedently he left me with a parting gift of an std, which at 16 weeks caused me to miscarry twins. 2yrs later i got back with my hs sweetheart and we tried for 3yrs just to be told id never have kids because chances are i wouldnt be able to carry due to scar tissue. 3months later i went in for a consultation to have a tubal to save us any more heartache and walked out a terrified 8 weeks pregnant! i was on strict bedrest but it was worth it in the end. i have my beautiful girl who just turned 13m.. i guess even tho i still think about the past and wonder what if sometimes i know deep down that everything happens for a reason and has made me a better and stronger woman. sometimes i swear to hear babies crying when theres none here and i wonder what my angel babys would have been. and first words, first steps and all the other firsts im experiancing with my daughter now. i look at it that back then things werent ment to be and they brought me to where i am and gave me the beautiful daughter i have now. they prepared me for this and her. and i know that all my babies are looking down on me and smiling at the woman and mom i get the miracle of being

    1. Wow Krista, that is quite the journey you’ve been on. I am so very sorry for your losses and the pain that comes with them. I’m so glad you have your little girl now. What a miracle!

  4. This is beautiful. I too believe my babies are mine and I will have them again. We have lost 5 as well. First was in 2007 made it to 23 weeks but my Daniel died at 17. Then again I my boy Zane died at 14 weeks but delivered him at 18 weeks pregnant. Then at 12 weeks we found out that our girl Caitlyn died at 10 weeks. A year and some later I finally had the greatest blessing of my daughter Arianna. She is my world and love is poured out on her daily. A year later I was pregnant again but this time my boy Christian only made it to 8 weeks, found out at 10. Then a big surprise 6 months later I was pregnant again. Our sweet December Grace, Arianna’s baby sister. We were head over heals especially after we got past the 20week mark. Everything was perfect she was growing great pregnancy was perfect then we got the devistating news at 32 weeks that she for no reason had died. We were heart broken and hurt. I wish I had answers from the man upstairs, but I will just have to suffice with my faith until knowledge is given to me. Thanks for sharing your faith. My God continually bless you and your family.

    1. Oh Michelle. I am so very sorry to hear about your devastating losses. You are one strong lady. I’m so grateful to God that you have your sweet Arianna. I know that this side of heaven, I will never have the answers that I crave about why all of this has happened, but I know that there is a reason and I believe that somehow he’s using it for good. Praying for you.

  5. Thanks for sharing Erin. I think it helps us all to know that someone can identify. My journey sounds so similar to yours. My husband and I have lost four babies and have two wonderful boys bouncing around at home. We recently decided we would try to have one more child and I am terrified to enter this emotional roller coaster ride again but I know that if I am able to hold that third baby in my arms I will be thankful that I did. I am thankful regardless because the journey has allowed me the opportunity to help many others and to enjoy even the most difficult moments with my boys. Unlike to think of my four babies up there having so much fun together and I can wait to see their precious little faces some day.

    1. Such a beautiful thought Stacy. I can’t wait to meet those little ones up there. I will keep you in my prayers as you enter the next phase of your journey. I pray that you are holding a sweet little one in your arms at this time next year.

  6. I have also suffered multiple miscarriages. It is something so hard to talk about because most of the time, others don’t want to hurt us by “reminding” us. As if we could ever forget. But talking about our losses, or writing about them, is cathartic and healing! We have to share the hurt for the mending to begin.

    Its important to remember that our spouses and significant others are also hurting and need to process, too. When we lost our first, my Fiance really made no outward sign that he was grieving. I got so angry at him because this was our child and he/she had DIED. I wanted him to be devastated like I was. It took me a long time to realize that he was being strong for me, and that he really was hurting just as badly.

    My heart and prayers go out to those of use who have suffered a loss like this.

    1. Thank you Tamara, I’m really sorry to hear that you have experienced the horrible loss that is miscarriage. Thanks for the reminder, it is easy to forget that our spouses feel it just like we do. I have gotten pretty lost in a few of my own losses. Before I had my boys, I let myself go into a very dark place, but I promised myself that I won’t ever do that again. Hugs to you and your husband.

  7. I don’t often feel compelled to leave comments on blog posts (or anything for that matter), but I felt the urge to do so now. There are no words in the English language to say to a mother who lost their baby/babies. It’s just never enough when dealing with such a personal loss. I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy that resulted in the removal of my left fallopian tube. I got to say hello and goodbye within an hour of the ER doctors surprisingly confirming my unplanned pregnancy, before telling me that it wasn’t viable. Fast forward a couple years, my husband and I began trying for another child. We knew it would be a little more difficult for us since I lost that tube, and had developed polycystic ovaries since then too. We tried and tried, then we fell pregnant and lost our little bean the same week of our positive HPT. It was devastating to me..to the both of us. Started to ask questions like “What’s wrong with me?” Now here’s where my little miracle took place. About 6 months later, I went in for my first fertility appointment. I tracked my cycles (ovulation predictor kits, cervix position, basal temperature) and gave them to her. She informed me that I wasn’t having “productice cycles” and performed an ultrasound. My right ovary was covered in ovaries, but the left ovary showed that it had recently released an egg. I began to sob. I finally ovulated! But it was the ovary without the fallopian tube. But my RIGHT tube MOVED to the LEFT side and scooped that egg up! I am now 12 weeks pregnant and still in shock. You’re definitely right about how women are changed physically amd mentally after a miscarriage. I’ve seen the baby on the screen. Moving around and touching his face. But I have a secret…. I can’t bring myself to emotionally attach to this baby. I’m riddled with guilt…but I can’t stand the pain of another loss. So I guess, this is my way of protecting myself? :( Did you experience this too?
    Although I said that no words could correctly convey sympathy and sorrow to a women going through such a painful loss, I still want to say that I am so sorry for the losses that you have gone through and I’m happy to hear that your earth babies offer you comfort and laughter when you need it.

      1. I’m so sorry it took me so long to reply to you Kaileigh, I just saw your post. I am so sorry for you losses. You are completely right, it’s impossible to ever give the perfect words to a person who has lost a baby. Just know that you aren’t alone. I also had a very hard time attaching to my pregnancies after losing other babies. With time though, it became easier to connect. Once I got past the first trimester and started to feel the baby move, it became easier. I would love to hear an update on how you are doing. Thank you so much for your kind words.

    1. Kaileigh I have only had two misscarriages in my life but 3 wonderful children right now. I do remember after my first miscarriage thinking I can’t attached to this new pregnancy just in case. Its hard.

    1. As the due date for my sweet Blake is less than two weeks away, I really needed the kind words today. Thank you so much Ashley. I’m sorry for your loss as well but rejoice in knowing that you have two sweet little boys too. Hugs.

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